Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

The Punning Dead.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

wow he looks just like him

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names