Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

This pepper has seen some shit

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.