🤣😂🤣
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Lmfaoooooo
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.