🤣😂🤣
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I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The Birdles
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”