🤣😂🤣
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
who’s gonna tell her?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough