🤣😂🤣😂
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos