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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??