🤣😂🤣😂
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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.