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I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.