🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Mornin. * use accordingly
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats