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Iβll have a whiskey.
βOn The Rock?β
Yeah, the rocksβwait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
βThis oneβs free, buddy.β
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesnβt like my boyfriend? π
Me at 17: Iβve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and Iβm just getting started! Canβt wait until Iβm over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know itβs 7pm and I only just got here but Iβve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “α΄ α΄Κα΄α΄α΄Κ Ι’α΄Κ ΙͺΙ΄ α΄ ΚΚα΄α΄ α΄ α΄Ι΄ ΚΙͺα΄ Κα΄α΄Κ α΄α΄Κ”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment π
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, itβs not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: Itβs you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find youβre 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, thatβs going to happen.
When itβs ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- Iβm on fire
2- Youβre on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickinβ well better be on fire
Heβs the one. I know it. Donβt you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think youβve had enough to drink
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kidsβ laundry at a time
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my momβs a mess
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out βget husband to leaveβ off to-do list*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what youβre thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
This will forever be the funniest thing Iβve seen
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!