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[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Message from the dog groomers
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up