Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Reminder:

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃