🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind