🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.