🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Basically.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.