🤣😂🤣😂
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company