Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

I love it all

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}