Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

🤣😂

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem