🤣😂🤣😂
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asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry