Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

Butt weight. There’s more!

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that