🤣😂🤣😂
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m calling the cops.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
❤️❤️❤️
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy