🤣😂🤣😂
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?