Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1220093493424611330/pu/vid/640x800/Ypaqbe4a0uMB6Ulo.mp4?tag=10

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.