🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
You Might Also Like
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst