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All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.