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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”