Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.