Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.