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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
so this horse walks into a bar
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Never forget.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏