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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.