Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”