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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir