🤣🤣🤣
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When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The cashier just checked me out.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.