Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.