🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”