🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
How did we not see this back then?
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.![]()
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE