🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
5 ways to appear taller
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin