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I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur