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Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Breaking news:
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.