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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
i choose….tongue
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today