🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
just got my engagement photos
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
These 3D printers are insane!
