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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys