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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.