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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw