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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.