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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
emergency phone
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
The photographer’s assistant
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.