馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
WIFE: what鈥檚 going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven鈥檛 had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you鈥檙e not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that鈥檚 a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: Wow, this one鈥檚 super dirty. I鈥檓 going to leave it to soak
Wife: That鈥檚 our daughter and no you鈥檙e not
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Don鈥檛 ever forget where you came from. That鈥檚 most likely where you left your car.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you鈥檙e a tennis umpire
me: that鈥檚 right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
pat pat
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Don鈥檛 let the British accent fool you. I鈥檓 not saying anything smart
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
It鈥檚 amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out鈥ait