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Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.