🤣🤣🤣
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Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐