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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly