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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
S M O L
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.