🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.