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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.