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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!