🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I am yelling
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
cry laughing at this shit
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.