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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
sometimes i miss this memes
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home