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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw