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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
People buying plungers never look happy.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin