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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”