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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?