🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.