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Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…