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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
fourth time’s the charm
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I don’t know what to do
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.