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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
