You Might Also Like
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?