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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.