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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Saw this yesterday lol
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.