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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I only eat vegetarians.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.