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Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Guy who likes music
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*3.5 thank you very much.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct