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My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
u spoke cat all this time??????
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
also my go-to takeaway order
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him