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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.