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My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
The two types of wives
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Happy Febuary everyone!
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times