🤣
You Might Also Like
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*