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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
It’s that simple 👊🏻
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me recordaron éste meme
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying