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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.