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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
shampoo implies shampee
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
you’re damn right i have
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!