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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.