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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.