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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal