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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.