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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.